Posted on January 14, 2025

From the first days of creation God has established marriage because it was God’s design for man to not be alone; for it is not good (English Standard Version Bible, 2001, Genesis 2:18). Jesus Himself spoke of the event in Matthew 19:4-6 yet today couples in America take this gift from God and allow attacks against it to destroy it at a rate approaching a coin flip. Roughly half of couples have attended counseling at some point and of those that haven’t, more than half of them say they would. Unfortunately, many married couples don’t seek help until several years after the need presents itself according to psychologist John Gottman who specializes in divorce prediction and marital stability (Gaspard, 2021).

Many Christian couples often maintain that current divorce rates do not apply to them and assume an attitude of immunity to divorce. Some past studies have become popularized for debunking this supposed assumption and claiming Christian marriages share the same dismal rate as non-Christians but there are several newer studies showing that Christian marriages who are active in their faith are 35% less likely than non-believers according to Dr. Brad Wilcox and, interestingly, both groups are less likely to divorce compared to those who just call themselves Christian with no supporting lifestyle of the claim (Stetzer, 2015). Whatever the exact numbers are, the consensus is that marriages are under attack, along with the 72.9 million children under age 18 living with married parents in the United States (US Census, 2020).

All over the country there are Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist helping the situation by mending relationships and helping to establish patterns for future health in families. An LMFT may not necessarily be a Christian Counselor and they are not usually a clinical psychologist, although they could be both. Instead, the LMFT and practice of marriage and family counseling focuses on the relationship between spouses and family members, not necessarily on an individual family member’s mental health need. That may be something that needs to be referred and treated separately.

Marriage in Light of God and His Purpose

When discussing Christian Counseling in regard to marriage and family counseling it is important to distinguish between “marriage counseling” and what is commonly referred to as “couple’s counseling”. The reason is that God sees the two very differently. One is a covenant relationship between three persons that only ends at death while the other may not ever lead to such a covenant and in today’s secular world, may not even invoke thoughts of marriage or God at all. For that reason, they would obviously be treated very differently since one is a holy union established by God and with God and the other is often times simply based on two individual’s pleasure and selfishness and frequently includes sexual sin. In secular clinical care, a “couple” might be committing adultery with one another and seeking help to make a sinful lifestyle work for them but in Christian Counseling the need would be for each person in such a situation to acknowledge their sin separately to proceed with healing.

One theory in Christian Counseling for marriage is that God’s intention for marriage was not to simply make spouses feel happy and provide another person for them to draw from as needed but instead, to help bring believers to God-glorifying holiness as they see how the marriage covenant is meant to be modeled after Christ’s relationship and great love for His church. A spouse is a perfect mirror to show sin and imperfections and the design of marriage provides many opportunities for spiritual growth according to what is seen in God’s word. Many would look at marriage and be reminded of Proverbs 27:17 and those in healthy marriages can attest to how many times a spouse serves as that perfect sharpening iron.

This concept of marriage for the purpose of God is shared in Sacred Marriage by author Gary Thomas who extols that God designed marriage for the purpose of making us holy over simply making us happy (Thomas, 2015). Dr. Thomas is always glad to share his favorite Bible verse, Matthew 6:33, as a way to remind people that when God is placed at the forefront, things like marriage and family relationships are blessed and work out gloriously.

Other authors (Apassa, 2018) discuss how some chase temporary happiness by use of drugs, sex, and other means but Christians, designed for eternal joy, seek God and might view marriage as a vocation or path that God has arranged where His grace can transform believers into the best version of themselves as they persevere in holiness and sanctification.

Techniques for Relational Christian Counseling

Before any progress can be made in Christian Counseling it is prudent to understand not only where a client is but whose that client is. As creatures of Elohim, we should always recall Genesis 1:26-27 where God has created us in His image and Genesis 1:31 where He reflects on what He has made as “it was very good” (English Standard Version Bible, 2001, Genesis 1:31). Clients should understand Imago Dei as a defense to the self-defeating lies they can otherwise believe about themselves and even others, including their own spouse and children. Weak or false identity in diffused clients lead them to anxiety, feelings of helplessness, psychological distress, and self-esteem concerns as well as behavior based on environmental influences (Canady, 2018). Living in an illusion or false identity inhibits connection to Christ-centered healing. God has already defined His creation’s identity and when His image-bearers claim that truthful identity it limits and even extinguishes problems based on worth, success, discernment, and relationships (Winchell, 2019).

In her book on Christian Cognitive Behavior Counseling, Samaria Colbert, discusses Christian identity as well as recognizing and challenging lies of the enemy and conforming our thoughts to align with Christ and God’s Word and mindfulness for Christians (Colbert, 2018). CBT has steadily been implemented more frequently in counseling due to its successful results but for Christian Counselors it is felt that families see a greater benefit from CCBT as viewpoints, ideas, and communications in their home are also Christ-centered and biblically based.

The practice of prayer is another technique that is often used and valuable in Christian Counseling and is especially beneficial as a model for families seeking help in counseling and something that can be taught for implementation in the home when families are willing. A recent study of 476 individuals belonging to 198 families revealed that family prayer contributed significantly to unity, social support, passing on of religious beliefs, reduced tensions, and general togetherness (Chelladurai, Dollahite, & Marks, 2018). Clearly this is another example why the Spirit led Paul to teach believers to constantly pray (English Standard Version Bible, 2001, Romans 12:12, 1 Thessalonians 5:17).

Just as the Bible has much to say about prayer to help believing spouses and families, the Bible is useful for all manners of teaching and correction to benefit believers in their efforts to live godly lives and seek righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16-17). Bible inclusion, or Bibliotherapy, can be adopted in Christian Counseling as the Counselor attempts to better connect the client to the healing and redeeming of Jehovah-Rapha. This could include frequent references during sessions, if receptive, as well as encouragement or homework assignments for spouses and families to read and study specific relevant scripture at home.

(The above is original copyrighted content by Mark Myers, originally published on June 13, 2022)

References

Apassa, R. F. C. O. (2018). The spirituality of Christian marriage: Pathway to peace, happiness, and holiness. Dorrance Publishing.

Canady, V. L. (2018). Former homosexual evangelical Christians: Understanding their experience in choosing religious identity

Chelladurai, Dollahite, D. C., & Marks, L. D. (2018). “The family that prays together . . .”: Relational processes associated with regular family prayer. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(7), 849–859.

Colbert, S. M. (2018). Christian cognitive behavioral therapy workbook. CreateSpace.

English Standard Version Bible. (2001). Crossway Bibles.

Gaspard, T. (2021, February 3). Timing Is Everything When It Comes To Marriage Counseling. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/timing-is-everything-when-it-comes-to-marriage-counseling/

Stetzer, Ed. “The Exchange.” Christianity Today. “Marriage, Divorce, and the Church: What do the stats say, and can marriage be happy?” Feb. 14, 2014. WEB. Oct. 26, 2015

Thomas, G. (2015). Sacred marriage: What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? Zondervan.

Winchell, L. M. (2019). Created in God's Image (Order No. 28091842). Available from ProQuest Central; ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (2447599896).