Posted on April 23, 2025

1. I acknowledge that what you hear is more important than what I say.

Our approach can get us into more trouble than our opinion. How we say things matters! Sharing our thoughts on an issue requires an approach void of sarcasm, belittling, and contempt. 17th century author Francis De Sales says to “have contempt for contempt” meaning we should be disgusted at any dishonoring or disrespect of our spouse, especially by ourselves. Proverbs 14:31 shows that how we treat others indicates our heart posture and relationship with God.

2. I will listen for your feelings when you share your opinions and we make decisions together.

Decisions need to be made but never at the expense of our spouse and their feelings. When our spouse feels listened to they typically are more open to many options. If we don’t listen, no options feel right. Philippians 2:3-4 emphasizes how we should value others and consider their needs.

3. I will validate your feelings even if I disagree with your opinions.

Just as in politics, to take the time to understand someone’s perspective and how they feel does not necessarily mean you agree with their opinion. Also, men should remember that listening does not mean they are being asked to solve a problem. Listening doesn’t imply we are right and our spouse is wrong or that by disagreeing we have contempt for our spouse. There’s not a lack of love or a marriage crisis when spouses simply disagree on things. God creates us as varied individuals who compliment one another when we come together just as in us as members of the body of Christ (1 Cor. 12:12-27).

4. I will listen to your opinions without seeing them as an attack on me or mine.

Your spouse is on the same team. You are never at war against one another. Establish this truth early in your marriage. I’ll say it again… You are on the same team (always) and never at war with one another (ever). Therefore, there is never any need to bring a sword and shield to discussions with your spouse. Commit to laying them down prior to conversation and save them for the real battle (Eph. 6).

5. I will listen to you with YOU in mind, not myself.

We should want to be attentive to how the issue or decision affects our spouse over our own “selfish ambition” or “looking to your own interests” (Phil. 2:3-4). What burdens will they deal with and how happy will they be now and in the future based on the decision you both make together?

6. I will not storm off and go to another room to avoid conflict.

Abruptly refusing to talk about an issue, going suddenly silent, or avoiding a conversation are all forms of stonewalling, a mechanism more commonly used by husbands. Withdrawing is a flight response, but stonewalling can also be a form of controlling behavior. Choosing to engage and work toward solutions with mutual love and respect is ideal, but please don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying there’s never an appropriate time for taking a break or “time out” if tempers flare, just agree to it first.

7. I agree to remain silent when you speak because I want you to know that I value what you say.

For many of us, like myself, we need to live by Proverbs 17:28 because we come across most intelligent when our mouth is closed anyway. In addition, however, hearing someone out exhibits fruit of the Spirit such as love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control (Gal. 5).

8. I will offer positive and encouraging facial expressions when you speak.

Proverbs 15:30 tells us that “A cheerful look brings joy to the heart” (NLT). What loving spouse wouldn’t want to bring joy to their spouse (and receive it)? Meet your spouse with excitement! Never forget the blessing and favor God gives through them (Proverbs 18:22) and be eager to show it. My wife and I have an inside joke where we offer the other “smiling eyes.” It’s funny because I do it to an extreme that resembles a demented clown and we both get a laugh. The point, however, is that we love to offer smiles to one another throughout the day to let the other know we’re glad they’re there.

9. I will speak after you.

This isn’t at all about having the last word. This is about hearing out your spouse first, before you decide it’s best that they know exactly what it is you want. Your two cents can wait if you want to show respect and honor to your spouse. Proverbs 18:13 says, “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish” (NLT). Yikes! It’s true though. How many times has someone interrupted you halfway through as you are giving some opinion or insight only to show they didn’t really understand you because the point hadn’t even been made yet. Don’t be “that guy.” Listen first.

10. I will be kind.

When you do share your opinions, promise to do it using kind words spoken in a kind way. God’s word tells us “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24). In Paul’s instructions for Christian living, he commands believers in Ephesians 4:32 to, “Be kind and compassionate to one another.” If Jesus tells us to show kindness to our enemies (Luke 6:27-28), how could we not also commit to being kind when we speak to our own spouse?

I pray that these 10 ideas are beneficial to your marriage and something you can incorporate in your home and promise to one another. If you would like more help with better communication skills, I encourage you to contact me or book an appointment from the "Services" tab above.