Posted on September 29, 2026

The "Four Horsemen" is a concept by relationship experts Dr. John and Julie Gottman describing four common negative communication styles—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—that predict relationship breakdown and divorce. The Gottmans claim an astoundingly accurate divorce prediction rate of over 95% and are widely considered leading secular experts in the field of marriage. Below, I offer you a bit of their clinical expertise along with biblical wisdom through a Christian worldview.

• Criticism

  • What it is: Attacking your partner's character or personality instead of addressing a specific behavior (e.g., "You never think about how your behavior affects other people. You're just selfish!"). Criticism isn’t genuinely seeking a solution or compromise. It differs from a complaint in that it’s directed at the person, not at a person’s actions or a situation. Consider James 3:8-11 and James 4:11-12.

  • The Antidote: Use a gentle start-up by expressing yourself using "I" statements and explaining your need in a respectful way rather than blaming. Avoid “always” and “never” since that’s rarely the case. Proverbs16:24 says, “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” Proverbs 15:1 states, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (see also Eph 4:29, Col 4:6)

• Contempt

  • What it is: Treating a partner with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridiculing, eye-rolling, or name-calling from a place of superiority. This is Gottman’s single greatest predictor of divorce. Humility is of massive importance for Christians and showing contempt for others is a huge indicator of a pride problem. Pride is the opposite of humility, and the source of all sin according to ancient Scripture in Sirach 10:13, backed by many verses in our Bible such as Proverbs 16:18 and Jesus’ words in Mark 7:20-23. Proverbs 21:24, 11:12, 17:15 all reference contempt and how being an arrogant mocker with contempt speaks against God. Pride and contempt point to a possible salvation question.

  • The Antidote: Build a culture of appreciation and respect by actively sharing fondness and gratitude. Paul instructs Titus in Titus 3:2 to teach the church to “to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.” If we truly want to be like Christ (and build a great marriage) we will live according to Paul’s words in Philippians 2:3-5. Nothing rids us of destructive contempt like adopting the humility of Christ. Romans 12:16 also shows us how living in harmony is done through humility and getting rid of selfish pride and conceit while 1 Peter 3:7 applies it to marriage specifically. We should always remember that our believing spouse is a son or daughter of God Almighty and consider how, as parents, we view people that treat our children poorly.

• Defensiveness

  • What it is: Blaming someone else, making excuses, playing the victim, gaslighting, or any attempt to shift the blame. Defensiveness stops the problem-solving process and inevitably escalates conflict. It is our pride in action on full display. It is a complete denial of any responsibility in the issue, preferring instead to put it elsewhere to avoid accusation.

  • The Antidote: Take responsibility, even if it is just for a small part of the problem. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings and viewpoint, even if it’s not the same as yours. (Philippians 2:3-4) Humility! Be like Christ (Philippians 2:5-8). The Gottman’s say we should stop scorekeeping as a tool to end defensiveness. God says it like this in 1 Corinthians 13:5 (NIV), “it (love) keeps no record of wrongs.” Romans 14:12 and Galatians 6:5 speak to the fact that we are responsible for our own actions and Proverbs 28:13 and James 5:16 tell us we should be transparent about our sins so that we may prosper and be healed, not try and hide them or shift blame. Listen for any time you may be offering excuses and pray that God reveals your faults so they can be addressed (Psalm 139:23-24).

• Stonewalling

  • What it is: Completely withdrawing from the conversation, shutting down, giving the silent treatment, or walking away without responding. It’s when emotional flooding leads to shutting down a conversation by any means, including our fight or flight responses. Stonewalling leaves the other person feeling alone, rejected, disrespected, ignored, unheard, unappreciated, and over a dozen other forms of hurt related to feeling unloved. Stonewalling is common because it seems like a good idea to walk away from an argument, but it’s the wrong way to go about it, as anyone who has a spouse that does this can attest.

  • The Antidote: The secular approach is to practice physiological self-soothing by taking a break to calm down. “Time-outs” and taking a moment to pray and refocus (Philippians 4:8) on gratitude and the grace and forgiveness we’ve received so we can offer it to our spouse, even in the most heated moments, is the Christian solution that I recommend. There are definite differences between an effective “time-out” and just walking away, or stonewalling. First, a “time-out” is initiated with a loving request by a spouse with reassurance that the motivation is their love for the other and a desire to prevent any harsh words that don’t build each other up (Proverbs 15:1, Ephesians 4:29). The second critical aspect is to set an agreed upon time to resume the conversation. This prevents spouses from seeing this as an attempt to dismiss things or sweep problems under the rug. It lets them know that you care to hear more about their needs and opinion. This time should never be the next day (Ephesians 4:26-27) but I would recommend at least 20-30 minutes to allow for noradrenaline and cortisol levels to lower. It’s important to not use the time apart preparing for the next battle, but instead in prayer and thinking of what you can offer to exhibit the love of Christ. You have an enemy; it is never your spouse (Ephesians 6:11-12).